iPhone upgrade offers suck (Verizon edition)

Verizon is offering 1000 dollars if you turn in your not-very-old iPhone, or 500 dollars if you switch from another carrier, but only if you’re on very specific plans. They didn’t name those plans in their press release, so I asked Verizon.

Here’s some background: I am a Verizon Wireless customer. I have been for years, ever since I switched away from AT&T because AT&T kept changing the definition of what “unlimited” meant, in opposition to Apple’s FaceTime calling.

I have four lines on a now-grandfathered plan, called the New Unlimited plan. (Note to branding: never name a product The New BLANK. Inevitably, it will be the old thing when you announce the next new thing.) Line access is $20 per phone, with an additional $110 for Account access.

That $190/mo becomes about $290 at bill time, thanks to a two phones that are still being paid off (40/mo each) and a $7.99 for Disney+ that got rolled in when Verizon offered a free trial that become a billable item after trial.

Verizon recommends that I change all the plans to individual ones per line, plans that are said to cost 45, 50, 55, 60, and 65 dollars a month. I emailed their press contact, who said that the plans that are included in the promotion are named Above, Beyond, Do More, Play More, and Get More.

They helpfully say, instead of $190/mo, I’ll pay $260 a month with the plan they recommend. The only difference in features is that the 260 has ultra-wideband 5G instead of nationwide 5G.

That is, Verizon wants me to pay 70 more dollars a month, forever, in exchange for a phone. I would not be surprised if a new plan they someday announce is called, “Pay More”.

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